good grief

Ain't no cure....

2007-07-24T13:10:00.000-04:00

for the summertime blues... Everybody knows that song, right? Or am I just exceptionally old now? Summer is always a mixed blessing for me. I LOVE the time I get off each summer as a teacher, and I've been able to spend that time off with ones I love but don't get to see often enough. But on the other hand, I HATE the heat. I also have a tendency to become a mental and physical slug. I know, big surprise. This summer is no different with the heat and slug thing, and I did go visit family for a while, but I feel like I've missed out on some other things. Two people in particular, I've missed seeing this summer that I see every summer. I just couldn't afford the trip this year. I ended up having to talk to them over the phone and feeling awful that I wasn't there with them. I hung up feeling completely isolated from them both, which to me is a tragedy, because I just don't think they know how much I love them. Pathetic. Someone who's experienced loss like I have should know the importance of expressing love to the ones most important in life. Isn't it funny how we are saddened at the loss of a friend or family member, and we promise ourselves we'll change. We think life is like the movies and in the end we'll realize the error of our ways before it's too late and have a grand reunion and live happily ever after. But life is not like the movies. Sometimes we don't get that second chance. Sometimes we do but take it for granted and forget what's important yet again. I don't want to be that person anymore, but how do I change me? It's easy enough to tell other people what they need to change about themselves and how to do it... but how do I change me?
I've been thinking a lot lately about change. How scary it is when I am choosing it, but how easy it is for me to deal with when it's thrust upon me. Maybe I need to come to the conclusion that I have no choice. I can't allow myself to be afraid. Maybe I need to put myself in a sink or swim situation where I know that I am the only one who can save me. Maybe it's time.... time for what? I'll let you know.

Not ready....

2007-04-15T17:35:00.000-04:00

Not bloggin much? Well, not here... In my head, though, constantly. I've got so many posts rolling around in my head, but I haven't typed em out. I wonder why? Probably fear. Fear of what? I don't know. Having people know what's going on in my head or having to face it myself?
I have come to a realization over the past month. I'm ready. I'm ready to do something, anything different. Different job, different state, different people, a different guy in my life. An almost great relationship in my recent past awakened in me a need I'd been suppressing for a long time. It's just not simple enough to put into words, but I guess if I had to it would probably sound a little codependent. ( So you can stop reading now, Niki.) Intimacy warning ==== I need to be wanted. Wanted emotionally, intellectually, wanted physically. A few weeks ago, I was told by a man (for the first time since Kyle's been gone) that I was beautiful. I forgot how incredible those words made me feel. I was not just happy or flattered, but I felt empowered... lovable even. I miss that. And it's not something my friends or family can do for me. I guess what I'm saying is I'm ready for a relationship. I'd consider getting serious if the right one came along. I'm ready to start dating again. God help me!

uneasy....

2007-02-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't fallen off the face of the earth, just the blogosphere. In some ways that may be a good thing. If no one expects me to blog, then they won't check or read my blog and therefore can't be pissy about whatever I say (insert evil 'kiss my rear' laugh here). You ever get caught up in all that you have to do that hours become days become weeks become months? And then you realize you've not gotten anything done at all. Frustration doesn't begin to describe the way I've felt lately. *NEGATIVITY ALERT* It's not just one thing, it's everything. personal, job, family friends, money, you name it. And as usual it'll come to a head and it did just that today. I finally contacted an agent about selling my house. Don't get me wrong, I should've done it a year ago, but today after I did, I realized why I've procrastinated. I felt sick afterwards. I didn't know whether cry, put my head down on the desk and pass out, scream, or curl up in the corner and die. I had no idea I would react in such a way. I tried to call a friend and talk about it, but couldn't bring myself to complain to her about it. She has her own stuff to deal with. I realized on the way home it was the final act. When the house is gone, that chapter is over. OVER. We signed on that house the week we were married, moved in a month later. It's where we lived our life. Some have questioned how I could have walked back into that house in the first place, now I'm having a hard time letting it go.
I'm trying to move on, but it hurts way more that I expected.

My brain hurts....

2006-10-19T11:45:00.000-04:00

"My brain hurts" is really an understatement... so does my body and probably the worst of it all, my heart. Let me explain... If you know me well, you know my background...how I was raised by a loving mother who tried to shelter me from the world, but was brow beaten all of her life by ALL of the men in her life, and by an overbearing, mostly depressed, angry father who was determined to 'beat the word of God into me.' Oh, and then there's the best part... my church upbringing.
I'm gonna go at it with both barrels here and just be honest. If I offend anyone, which I'm sure I will, here's a preemptive "Sorry!"
I was raised in the church of Christ, but not just any coC. I was raised by an extremely conservative used-to-be-a-church-of-Christ-preacher father who was and still is extremely legalistic (and to top it off, he's back in preaching school again). I mean there've been times that I thought he could put the Pharisees to shame! Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, and try to be respectful of him, but God's been opening my eyes to so much....
My dad is a product of his raising. His dad was old when he was born, already had 9 kids, was a sharecropper in rural Mississippi, and from what I hear, had quite a temper on him. My grandmother (which is what I was required to call her "Grandmother") was a mother of 8 and was 42 when she gave birth to her youngest, my dad. I never met my grandfather, but I remember my grandmother pretty well. I was 13 when she died, she was 84, I believe. She carried her faith like a cross on her back. She never missed a service. She never missed a gospel meeting. She never broke a law or rule. She never smiled.
My dad thought she hung the moon. She was the Proverbs 31 woman. On her 80th birthday he gave her a bronze plaque that was presented to her for "80 years of virtuous living." It had Proverbs 31 engraved on it. On my 18th birthday, I inherited it along with a letter written by my dad telling me what all I had to live up to.
Well, as you can imagine, I have issues with authority now and church in general. I'm at a stalemate. On one hand, I love God, am actively working on a relationship with Him, I am in an intense Bible study for the first time in years, and in a ministry position of sorts. But I don't wanna go to church. Not just a coC, but any church. I'm heart broken about it. I grew up in church, and I'm required to attend somewhere for my job. I just don't want to.... I think it's because I always leave feeling worse than when I went in.... and then there's that whole going alone thing. I HATE THAT!!!
Wait a minute, this is not what I started this post to say. I was going to talk about change and challenge. My BSF class is kicking my butt. Romans is kicking my butt. How can someone raised in church, a church that preaches Romans constantly, not get this book? It's like I'm reading it for the first time and I'm like, "Wait, it doesn't really say that does it?!" Guess what? It does!
We're at the end of chapter 3 and the beginning of the good part. But it's so much to absorb. I'm trying so hard to wrap my brain around it. I'm enamored and confused. It's so different from what I was taught growing up, and yet there it is in black and white. Faith, not what I do or what I did or what I will do, but just faith, trusting Christ, is my ticket in.

God's not going to hunt me down and smight me for messing up. He's not going to banish me to eternal damnation for forgetting to say I'm sorry for a sin I committed. I for the first time IN MY LIFE do not doubt that when I stand before Him on judgment day, He'll let me in. That's huge for me... That's huge.

Am I the only one that's just now getting this??? More on this later...

Let this day pass....

2006-10-09T21:56:00.000-04:00

I couldn't let this day pass without a word... Thanks Niki for reminding me that I never post anymore. I'm using the excuse that life is too crazy. I've been incredibly busy with school starting, moving, moving sales and just life in general. I haven't taken the time to pour my heart out on here lately. I will not apologize, because I've come to realize that my blog is for me and what I need to get off my chest. I appreciate the encouragement I get from my friends here, but that is not the reason I write. I'm practicing a form of therapy here and lately I've been doing okay; atleast I tell myself that I am. But I couldn't let this day pass without a word....

I introduced my pain to a new group of people tonight at my BSF class. I had gone all day without a tear, but surrounded by other Christian women who I know love me without even knowing me, I broke loose and let go. I let them see a glimpse of my pain, and it hurt like new all over again. The good news is I know they'll pray for me. One of the ladies patted me on the back and said simply, "You're so strong." I didn't have the heart to tell her, 'No, I'm just a good faker.' I later realized that I'm neither strong nor a faker. I'm a child of God. He loves me and knows my pain and at times when I'm too weak to stand, too weak to speak out, too weak to even draw a breath, He's there. He stands behind me and picks me up, opens my mouth and breathes his life into me. That, my friends, is strength. Not what I am, but what God is through me.
My misery is my ministry and I pray God continues to touch others through my pain. It's easy for me to seek sympathy, but I'm working on letting God fix my brokenness and showing others his power through "my strength."

Thank you for your prayers, and if you knew Kyle, I thank God that He touched your life through my wonderful husband.

2006-07-19T23:32:00.000-04:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

35% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

0% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Happy Anniversary, Hun

2006-06-24T00:11:00.000-04:00

My dearest Kyle,
It doesn't seem like it was five years ago that we were married. I can't tell you how often I think back on that day. It was the happiest day of my life. God was giving me the man of my dreams to be my husband. We were so exhausted and ready to get it over with! You know, a lot of couples, especially the bride, get caught up in the wedding. But we managed to keep our focus on the marriage we were about to embark upon. I remember one of my friends asking me as I was putting on my wedding gown, "Are you nervous?" "Absolutely not!" I said. "I just want to get this over, so I can be married already!" We had a beautiful wedding, but that wasn't the point. We both knew what the point was. God had placed us in each other's lives to be man and wife, to be committed only to each other, to complete each other's needs both emotional and physical in a Christian home with all the love our hearts could give. I thank God that we both knew that.
I want you to know that I have no regrets. Of course there were times that one or both of us should've handled things differently, but we communicated well and always made a point to learn from those mistakes. I'm proud of the strong marriage we shared. I'm thankful that God used us in other couple's lives as an example of what marriage could and should be.
I'm proud of the man you were. I still have a hard time not offering your services when someone is in a bind and needing something fixed. I don't think I ever told you how important that was to me. Just knowing that if something went wrong, you'd figure out a way to fix it or make it better than before gave me so much security. I appreciate how strong you were physically, yet so tender and gentle with me. God gave you a beautiful heart with more than enough love for anyone he placed in your path. I believe that's what I miss most - your heart.
I also want to thank you for being patient with me after Momma died. I know how much you loved her, too. And I know there were several months that I wasn't easy to live with, but you stood by me and sometimes behind me to keep me from collapsing under the load I was carrying. Thank you.
I just want you to know how much I love you, still. And even though you've gone on, no matter what happens in my life, or who God brings into it, there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to you.
Love you, see you soon,
Angi

Zenith

2006-06-21T01:01:00.000-04:00

Just a note from camp Zenith....
Everything here is great. It's crazy hot in Oklahoma, and it's crazy hectic here, too. But everything's going great! I'm enjoying spending time with Niki and Max. Stay tuned, suprises are coming your way soon.

Still alive...

2006-06-11T13:50:00.000-04:00

So much to say, so little brain power left to say it with....
Life's been hectic around here. As any teacher knows, there are so many things that go on at the end of the school year. I had all the normal things plus some. I had to attend three graduations and an awards ceremony. Two field trips, cleaning and packing up my classroom, final grades, yada, yada, yada.
The last day of school was special, though. We traditionally have a half day, which consists of chapel and then the presentation of the yearbook dedication. Afterwards we sign yearbooks for a couple of hours and have an ice cream party to finish the year. The yearbook is dedicated to someone, usually a teacher, who has had an impact on the school and the students. It's a grand secret that only a handful of people know. This year it was dedicated to yours truly. I was shocked and flattered to say the least. It's funny to me that I've struggled more this year with my responsibilities and trying to stay motivated and focused, and yet I received this honor. I think what makes it even more special is that it was the decision of the yearbook staff, all students of course. The kids made it special to me.
After they read the dedication to me, I took my seat. My "special student" that has kept me on my toes since he came, was sitting beside me. He looked up to me with his big brown eyes and said with his little accent "Thank you for not giving up on me," and hugged me. As much as I was flattered by the yearbook, that one statement by that one child defines the reason I teach. ( Yes, I cried.)

That same child and his family have been in my prayers over the last week and a half. I don't know how many of you heard about the family here in Indy that was killed. I know it made national headlines because it was such a horrific crime. Seven people including three children were shot and killed in there home during what is being called a robbery attempt. Those three kids were the cousins of my twins. Their mother's sister and her husband, children and grandchildren were the victims of that crime. I have seen my boys since then. Dave and Sheryl, and I watched them during the funeral. They've obviously had severe ups and downs. I'm especially concerned for the one. He has so many emotional problems already, and he's losing weight that he couldn't afford to lose. Please keep the family in your prayers. They've caught the guys who did it, but the court cases are sure to be long and stressful for the family. To top it off, my boys' mother is pregnant. So, I ask that you lift them up in prayer everytime you speak to our God.

I also ask for your prayers. I get on a plane tomorrow, and you know how I feel about that. I'm going off to Denver. I'll spend a few days there, then we'll go to OKC to do camp Zenith. I always look forward to helping Niki out at camp. It's an uplifting, but tiring experience. After camp I'll spend about a week and a half with the Nowell's, if they can tolerate me that long. I'm looking forward to being out in Denver again.

So, until next time......
BTW- The jerk at school did finally apologize.

support

2006-05-08T08:56:00.000-04:00

Again you've shown me what friends are for....
This past week has been crazy, so even though I've seen my offender, I haven't spoken with him. When we do speak, I intend to let him know that he owes me an apology. I don't expect to receive one, but I will be asking for one nonetheless.

It's been very encouraging to me to check my blog and find comments from those of you that love me so much that you would threaten to physically harm someone you don't even know because he hurt me. At the same time encouraging me and reminding me that God loves me and Satan hates me. I know that he keeps feeding me lies. I try not to listen and believe, but it's hard sometimes. He has a way of wearing you down. So I need you to tell me of God's unending love for me. You have on so many occasions and I thank you for doing it once again.
I'll keep you updated on the offender's status.
Love y'all....

Devastating....

2006-05-01T20:52:00.000-04:00

I'm sick. Upper-respiratory and ear infections. Lovely. I average 1 or 2 a year.... this is the first I guess.
My student is doing better. The hugging thing is really working for him. I'm not saying there won't be bad days, but when I anticipate his anger and hug him and talk to him calmly, he starts to settle down and makes better choices. I hope it only gets better with him.
Today I had a devastating moment. I was in a discussion/argument with someone, and they aimed way below the belt. Without getting into too much detail, this person made a comment that basically blamed me for causing our accident and therefore Kyle's death. It was said in a moment of frustration and trying to shut me up. He made it sound like a decision I made was the reason it happened. Needless to say I was totally caught off guard and shocked. I ended up walking away in tears.

I've struggled everyday with guilt about what happened. I know that nothing I did or didn't do could change what happened that day, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle with the guilt. I've tried so hard to not play the 'what if' game. But that doesn't mean his statement didn't hurt.
What's worse is that I have to face this person everyday at school. I'm the mature Christian of the two of us and must act as such. How do I do that when what I really want to do is physically harm him?

check her out

2006-04-25T20:52:00.000-04:00

One of my co-horts, Steph, has started a new blog. She is an awesome Christian lady with a big playful, childlike personality. I hope you enjoy, and learn from what she has to say.

Exhausted...

2006-04-25T20:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough day. My mind, body and emotions have been exhausted today. I think that's why I chose green for my blog today. It's calming.
I got a couple new students last week. Obviously very late in the year, but I won't go into details about why they came. I will tell you that they are twin boys - identical, but yet so different. One of them has had the misfortune of being labeled by previous schools and teachers as a trouble maker. I don't know what he was like before , but I know he's been through some trauma in the last few months. The thing is, I've only known this child for a week, but I love him. He can be so sweet and funny and smart, but turn into an angry hateful child in a matter of minutes. I reached my point of exasperation with him today, and we had to discipline him. That hurt my heart. I think I've shed as many tears over it as he has. I can't tell you all that happened, but I will ask you to pray for me as I deal with this troubled child. My goal tomorrow is to not have to discipline him, but anticipate the rough spots and love him through them. I hope God gives me the strength to be what this little boy needs during these next 5 weeks.

whatever....

2006-04-10T21:55:00.000-04:00

So, let's not state the obvious. I know it's been a month. You ever feel like you're chasing your own tail? Welcome to my world. This has been the BUSIEST vacation ever. I need a spring break to get over my spring break. I helped family move and went camping. Sounds easy enough, wrong. I won't get into details, but my body is exhausted, and this weeks gonna be busy, too.
So, if you've not heard from me, I'm still alive. Have patience with me. I'm old and tired.

just nothin...

2006-02-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

I have nothin to say. Atleast I feel like that lately. The odd thing is, I've been terribly busy, and my mind's going 90 to nothin, but still nothin in particular to write about....
I do have some thoughts and questions for you though....

How far is too far to drive to work everyday?
Who makes the best digital camera for the best price?
I'm thinkin bout gettin a new cell. Any suggestions?
Also thinkin bout gettin a new ringtone.... any thoughts?
How do you tolerate people you really can't stand?

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

This is it....

2006-02-15T21:22:00.000-05:00

Well, it's here... The day I've been dreading. Today is my 29th birthday. So get the well wishes in while you can. This is my last birthday. Yep, that's right, as of now, I'm eternally 29.

This is the life....

2006-02-11T20:21:00.002-05:00

Right now I'm sitting in 75 degree bliss... That's right people, I'm in beautiful, sunny Arizona. Now before you get too jealous, I'm just here for the weekend. I wish it could be longer, but I've got children in Indy staring acheivement tests in the face, so no time off for me. I just wanted to blog about how gorgeous it is out here right now, which reminds me to get off this computer and go outside!!!!!

By the way, I've noticed several people from indiana and all over the place have been checking out my blog. So, even though I said I would never do this... If you are a regular checker-outer of my ramblings, please leave me a comment and let me know who my audience is. Thanks! Love y'all! I'm off to get some desert sun!

Yeah, I know....

2006-02-04T23:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a while..... But you wouldn't believe the past few weeks. Okay, maybe you would, but it was hectic to say the least. So this post may jump around a bit...... you can deal with it!
The craziness began last week. Our school was having homecoming on Saturday. Every year our office manager, Brandi, does all the planning and grunt work including setting up the set, which includes lots of butcher paper, an arch, balloons, fabric, lights, and lots of other decorations. Oh, by the way, did I mention she's 9 months pregnant?! So, about a week beforehand my admin told me there was a good chance Brandi would go into labor by then. And since I'm so artistic, so she says, she wanted me to find out what all was included in the set so I could do it if need be. Well, Be needed. Brandi went into labor tat Wednesday. So, I ended up painting stars on 300+ feet on butcher paper all day Friday until 3am Saturday. Then, I had to go set it all up Saturday afternoon. I did have help, but the majority of the load was placed squarely on my shoulders. By Saturday night I was dragging and really sore! But it turned out beautiful. Brandi was still pregnant then and was able to see her idea come to fruition. She was so appreciative and really happy with how it turned out. Her thanks and approval was all I needed to know that I'd done a good job. Monday my admin took Sheryl, the other teacher who helped me, and me out to lunch and gave us the afternoon off! WOOHOO!
Tuesday brought more stress than I was able to deal with after the weekend. I have a student that leaves the building a few days a week to go to a public school for special needs purposes. Well, she usually gets back by a certain time. So when she was more than 20 minutes later than her "late" time, I got really worried. Sheryl got on the phone trying to track her down. I started pacing and praying. The company that transports her back and forth couldn't tell us where she was! For 1 1/2 hours she was "lost". Finally, after threatening police action, we were told where she was. She was fine. The van she was in had a fender bender infront of the other school. She was sitting there the entire time! Such IDIOTS!!! As soon as I found out where she was, I went and got her myself. Like I said she was fine, but I was frazzled the rest of the day.
That's just 2 examples from the past few weeks. On top of it all, I feel Satan's got me on his radar. I'm being attacked. I just keep telling myself what I heard John Eldridge say once. I don't remember the exact words, but it was something to the tune of "When you are constantly and consistently attacked by Satan, it is because God has incredible plans for you to do his work. The harder you're attacked the greater the plan God has for you." If this is true, and I believe it is, then I consider myself a real threat to Satan. And it just makes it more obvious that God has his hand placed firmly on me.

a week

2006-01-16T23:31:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been a week and I said I wouldn't blog about it, but here I am doing that very thing. A week ago today my sweetie would've turned 27. Yeah, like y'all didn't know I robbed the cradle! I didn't want to blog about it because in my new attitude toward blogging, I'm trying to be uplifting, not depressing. Regardless, I kept thinking about writing something. I don't know if it's acknowledgement I'm needing on his behalf or if I'm being led to say it aloud. Last week it was the first day back from break, so I had so much going on that I know God put it out of my mind. That is until I went to bed. Then it started to bother me. Luckily, my superfriend is on speed dial and she was able to comfort me. I don't know what I'd have done for the last year if not for my friends. Funny how God strengthens the relationships you desperately need right before something tragic happens. Anyway, as I went to sleep I sang happy birthday and snuggled with his pillow that still carries a faint scent of his cologne (yes, I make sure it does).
This grief thing is so wierd. One minute I'm thinking of what we'll do when he gets home from work, the next, I realize he's not coming home. Why do I forget? Why do I keep having to remind myself? Why after this amount of time do I still feel the need to talk to him? Call him on the phone? Offer his help to friends in need? Then realize he's not there to help anymore.... Why is my brain still trying to make sense of it all?
Why do I get over the hump and look up to see another mountain?
But God has carried me through everyday, and I know he will continue to place his hand on my back and gently push me as I get back on my feet.

Long time, no blog

2006-01-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know. I've gotten the nasty little e-mails and comments about not blogging enough lately. I do have a good excuse, though.
When I was in Denver over Christmas break, which I do intend to blog about, I didn't have as much access to a computer. Benny and Niki let me use their's anytime I wanted, but I'm spoiled on my high speed and I didn't want to spend all my time out there online. Once I returned, even though I've had plenty to write about, I felt like God was telling me I was spending too much time online. So, I've changed some of my habits, and I'm just not on here as much.
I'm sorry I've let some of you down, but I've needed to prioritize some which means spending more time with Jesus and less with microsoft. Thanks for loving me enough to understand and wanting to hear what I have to say. Be bloggin soon!

New Year's Greetings

2006-01-01T00:31:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year from Colorado!!!
Can't tell you much right now, other than Denver has been beautiful. I'm really enjoying my time with Benny, Niki, Max, Zoe, and Petey. Spending the holidays with people you love like family, okay more than family, is great. I'll update you all as soon as I'm back in Indiana.
Until then, have a blessed new year! Love you all!

Seven sevens

2005-12-13T23:34:00.000-05:00

Seven sevens

Seven things to do before I die
1 go back to Australia
2 go back to Hawaii
3 take a cruise
4 get married again
5 have kids
6 open my own store
7 travel to the holy lands (once it calms down~yeh, right)

Seven things I cannot or will not do
1 turn my back on my friends
2 put up with disrespect
3 serve in the military
4 be skinny
5 settle (when it comes to a husband)
6 agree with an idiot
7 agree with my dad on anything

Seven things that attract(ed) me to my spouse
1 his smile
2 his twinkle
3 gorgeous blue eyes
4 his unwavering honesty
5 his tender-heartedness
6 his unconditional love for me
7 his desire to always do God’s will

Seven things I say most often
1 Alrighty then
2 Let’s get quiet, please.
3 Josh, GO!
4 Good gravy!
5 CRAP!
6 What?
7 Love you, too.

Seven books or series I love
1 Laura Ingalls Wilder
2 Max Lucado
3 Wonderful Spirit Filled Life – Stanley
4 Captivating – Eldridges
5 Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
6 Chrysanthemum – Henkes
7 Ephesians

Seven movies I could watch over and over again
1 Hope Floats
2 Divine secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
3 Mummy
4 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
5 Without a Paddle
6 Anything with Sandra Bullock
7 Anything with Matthew McConaughey – yummy

Seven I want to join in
Niki- already did
Peach- already did
Sarah
Luke
Missy- set up a blog already
Dave- same as Missy
Dani

BTW – Niki, nanananana I did it!

SNOW DAY Continued...

2005-12-10T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well, my first order of business was to sleep in yesterday - check! Then I decided that rather than be productive, I'd go see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. yeah, that didn't happen. I called my friends Dave and Sheryl to see if they wanted to go. We ended up doing something more productive. We went shopping for a new washer and dryer. I'd done my research and read a lot of reviews, so I knew what I did and didn't want before I walked into the stores. I ended up right back where I started from - Best Buy. The great thing about BB is that they don't work off commission, so I didn't have to worry about being lied to so that I'd buy a more expensive machine than I wanted or needed. I got a set of LG's. The washer is a front loader and the dryer has a drying rack. I didn't get the pedestals for them, but I may decide to later. They are also stackable should I move into a smaller place that requires such. They were expensive, but The guy gave me a good deal, and I'll pay more to know that I have something of quality. These are going to have to last for a long time.
After we finished at best buy, we went to eat at Italian Gardens. It was only the second time I've been there. I wish Kyle and I had found it. It has a romantic atmosphere at night, and really good food. Though we went as family, it'd be a great date place. After dinner, we stopped by their house and got James some jammies and clothes for today. He came home with me to spend the night with Aunt Angi. This is the second time he's spent the night. Right now he's watching cartoons and climbing on my shoulders. I love that little guy.
When we got home, I turned on the TV for a few minutes. Guess what was on... Snow Day.

SNOW DAY!!!!

2005-12-08T23:10:00.000-05:00

If you watch the weather channel, you know about the big storm that moved through Indy today. It was incredible. I think the snow fell faster and harder that I've seen it since I first moved up here. It started at 2pm and by the time I left school at 4, it was 3 inches deep. I made it home in just an hour, normally a 15 minute trip. I wish you could see how cool it looks. People from around here aren't in awe, but growing up only seeing snow a few times in my life, I'm still mezmorized. Imagine, eight inches of white stuff everywhere you look!
Anyway, I'm exhausted. After all day with excited kids, sweeping the snow off everybody's cars, and shoveling a path to my door when I got home, I remembered why people here don't like the snow so much. But joy comes in the morning! I just got a reprieve. School's closed tomorrow!!! What am I gonna do with myself all day??? Plenty to do, you know. But I think the first order of business is definitely sleeping in! Don't call me before 10am. Then I think I'll do some picking up and organizing. I'm hoping to get a new washer and dryer this weekend since mine have finally puked out. (They are as old as I am, though.)
Here's to hoping you have a snow day tomorrow, too!

Merry CHRISTmas

2005-12-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

In light of the holiday season and the current desire among those with no heart that want to drag the fun, love and Christ out of Christmas….

Twas the night before December 25th and Santa's a wreck...

How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth..."

bloggin'

2005-11-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

So, yet another friend of mine has informed me that I haven't been blogging enough lately. I guess my momentum depends heavily on comments. I'm sure that's true for a lot of bloggers. If I get a lot of feedback, I'm more likely to spout out something else right away. Do I really rely that heavily on the opinions of others for my own confidence? Absolutely. Sad, I know. But anyone who knows me well will tell you I've always been that way. I depend way too much on what other people think, and not enough on what I want or need. I was even worse about it before I met Kyle! Can you imagine? Me more withdrawn and self-conscious?
Anyway, no real point to all this except to say thanks to those of you who read and comment. You have played an important part in my life over the past few months.

Strange Christians

2005-11-21T06:29:00.000-05:00

I had two seperate experiences this week dealing with Christians who were also strangers. Each incident left me with strong feelings toward the person, but the feelings were completely opposite.
The first ~ Wednesday night, my adopted fam and I went to eat at a favorite Chinese place of ours. Now, for those of you who don't know my adopted mom, she is one you don't want to mess with. She definitely has a temper on her. (This will come into play later.) Anyway, we walked in behind an older couple and got in line. In this particular restaurant, you walk through a corral (I always feel the need to moo when walking through one of those) and pay before you eat. That was where the fun began! On the other side of the bars (the already eaten and about to leave side) stood a young couple with two young boys. As we walked in behind the first couple I overheard the young woman chastising her husband for not being in line. (He was taking the kids coats off) Then she decided to take it upon her self to declare her "rightful place in line." She stepped right in front of mom. Big mistake! Mom didn't realize what had been going on, so she called the woman out on her rudeness. Well then the argument began. She proceeded to tell mom in a nasty tone that cutting her in line wasn't very "godly," and she didn't appreciate her talking like that in front of her children. Then she continued yelling... mom must not be a Christian because of the way she was acting. (Now up until this point mom had held her tongue, and much to the surprise of the rest of us, didn't throw a well deserved swing.) Mom looked at me and pointed to the lady and said, "She's a Christian!" Then the lady turned and offered to let mom infront of her - after she called her a fat@$$ b*#?ch. Mom refused and the lady went ahead and paid for their meal.
She was obviously in a hurry....Her family was dressed nicely.....They left at 10 till 7.
following me? She was on her way to church.
I was so angry at this woman I'd never met before, because she's the kind of person people use to label all Christians hypocrites. I wanted so badly to say something to her, but what to say? Would she hear me? Would she just want to fight with me too?
I walked away feeling angry and awful...

The second ~ I went to church Sunday morning knowing that I was going to hear a sermon that would touch me personally. Dr. Johnson is doing a series called "Get This Christmas Right." Sunday's was on Those Living With Loss. It was a very good lesson. He always has a way of making God's word real. It's no longer words on a page, but a scene that I can see play out in my mind and better understand what God's trying to tell me with that story. Anyway, toward the end, he asked anyone living with loss this holiday season to raise their hands. So, though it was way out of my comfort zone, I raised my hand. Then he asked us to look around and find someone with a raised hand to lay a hand on. I was sitting by myself because my usual crowd was not there. (Going to church by myself is a very painful thing for me.) This young woman came and sat beside me and placed her hand on my shoulder as we prayed. Then she offered me a tissue. Before the end of church she'd given me her name, number, e-mail address and a hug. She wanted me to feel free to call her to vent or share frustrations.
I walked out of church feeling like a weight had been lifted, and that there are people out there who are willing to get involved, invest themselves and invite you into their life. At that moment, she was Jesus to me.

SO, when you or I cross paths with a stranger this week, how will they feel when you walk away? I hope the feelings I leave behind are like the later...

prayers, please...

2005-11-17T22:08:00.000-05:00

There is a young mother in Indiana that needs your prayers. (Her oldest of 4 children is in my class at school.) She was involved in a freak go-carting accident this past weekend. She has a severe head injury that I'll spare you the details of, and she broke a vertebrae in her back causing paralysis. The doctors don't know if the paralysis is permanent. They don't know if she'll walk again, or even pull through this.
Please lift this young woman up in prayer. Pray for strength for her husband and children. Pray for those of us that have contact with this family, that we may be Jesus to them in this time of great agony and need.

2005-11-12T06:30:00.000-05:00

Please visit Niki or Benny's blog today. (Links are to the left.)
The entire Dry Bones team needs your prayers. Lift them and their work up before the Father.
Love you all....

blessings of the wanderer....

2005-11-07T22:27:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder why God causes people to cross your path? Are you intended to bless them? Are they intended to challenge you? I've asked my self these questions lately.
God caused an incredible young man to come into my life for three short days, but I hope to call him friend for the rest of my life. His name, Luke Copeland; his story, one of courage and faith. Luke graduated from college this past May, and since then has started a journey that some think is crazy, but most envy. He is in the process of traveling to all fifty states and staying with a new family in each one. Sometimes he knows the family, sometimes he just knows of them, sometimes he doesn't know where he'll stay until he's there. Where ever he goes, he absorbs the scenery, observes the people, touches lives and serves his God.
I was blessed to have him cross my path this weekend. Because of a lack of understanding on my part, Luke got into Indy Friday morning with no place to stay that night. Once I realized I was supposed to be his contact person here and find him somewhere to stay, I stressed and went into panic mode. I called everybody I could think of to bail me out. (blessing #1 It forced me to be vulnerable and talk with people I'd not spoken to in a while.) By the grace of God, my friend Doug managed to get his friend, Chris, from church, to help me out. Later that night I spoke to Chris about the arrangements and such... for those of you who don't know, talking to someone I don't know is way out of my comfort zone, but Chris was very willing to help out a sister and brother in need. (blessing #2 Made a new friend in Christ.)
Saturday morning, I left Luke with a list of things to do, as he was at my house to help me get it closer to sellable. (Is that a word? ) When I returned, I intended on 'helping' him, but it turned into a time of great conversation. We talked about everything from the plight of the homeless, to the owl my momma made when I was a baby that sits in my house, to Kyle. He tenderly asked me questions about what happened, and I was able to share with him the details of the accident including how God so obviously saved my life. It was nice to talk about it. That may sound strange, but I was able to do it without tears. I wasn't trying to hold them back, I spoke freely ~ they just didn't come. (blessing #3 Talking about something so painful without letting it ruin my mood or my day... It was cleansing.)
Later that afternoon, once I realized the boy hadn't eaten all day, I cooked him dinner. It was not my best, but it wasn't too bad either. Again, we had great conversation. He was very complimentary and appreciative, and I was tickled to feed a southern boy. (blessing #4 remembering the joy I get out of cooking for someone that's thankful and tells me so.)
I saw Luke one last time Sunday evening. A group of us went to the Ordinary to eat the best pizza in Indy. Sarah, Carrie, Chris, Luke and I sat and shared stories and laughter for 2 hours. It was a lot of fun, and I hated to see the evening end. As we parted ways, I thought of how the weekend began. God is so amazing! He took what started out a stressful weekend and made it into a time that I can look back on and know He was reminding me of who He is. ( blessing #5 Refocusing and enjoying every minute.)
To sum up, God blessed my socks off this weekend, and He used a new lifelong friend to do it!

basic truths

2005-10-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

a hit dog always hollars

no matter how hard you try, you can't unscramble eggs

friendships are never fully appreciated

most men confuse the heck out of most women

God does have a sense of humor

when someone falls, it's always funny (after you realize they're not hurt, of course)

your parents love you even when they're being jerks

adopted family is usually better than blood family

modesty = respect

true, pure love is eternal

Kyle, my loving husband

2005-10-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

Today is the day I’ve been dreading for months…. Today marks the one year anniversary of our accident. It was one year ago today that my life as I knew it was shattered. Everyday since, I wake up and look for my husband in bed beside me and am reminded he’s not there and never will be again. Everyday I relive at least a little bit of the anguish I felt that day when I realized he was gone. BUT, everyday God has picked me up out of bed, and pushed me into life. Everyday God has held the pieces of my broken heart in his hands. Everyday God has brought people into my life to bless and be blessed through me. Everyday God has been my provider, my comforter, my sustainer.

Today I could write about what I’m going through and all the pain I feel, but today I’d rather tell you about the man God placed in my life. The man I loved first as a friend then as my husband.

Kyle James Allender ~ I remember the first time I spoke to Kyle on the phone…. We’d been set up. He had my number, and I had his, but being the old fashioned girl I am, I awaited his call. The first thing he said to me on the phone besides “Hi, I’m Kyle,” was “So, you wanna go on a date?!” I realized then I was going to have my hands full with this one. I kindly explained to him that we needed to talk some and get to know each other before I was going to get into a car with this strange yankee!
We talked once a week for three months before we finally went on our first date. Our first date… I decided to be brave, and follow in my mother’s foot steps, and cook for him. He drove down after church one Sunday morning. I’d made my ‘famous’ chicken’n’dumplins and a chocolate meringue pie from scratch. I was later told by him that was totally unfair! (My mom said she could hear me reeling him in.) When he arrived, he handed me a big bouquet of beautiful yellow roses tipped in dark pink ~ my absolute favorite! My first reaction was “You didn’t tell me you had a goatee!” Up until then I hadn’t cared for facial hair of any kind. Funny how fast I changed my opinion! We watched a movie after lunch, and went to church that evening so my friend, Yolanda could check him out. Afterwards we went to dinner and I remember thinking as I watched him interact with the waitress that this guy was way too obnoxious and loud for me. He took me back to my little apartment and we hugged goodnight. I went to bed that night asking God what he had in store for me and this man who was a little rough around the edges, but definitely had potential.
The next day was the longest day of my life. First thing in the morning, I got a speeding ticket. Great start, huh? The rest of the day was waiting: waiting to get home so I could wait for him to get off work, so I could wait for him to call. Do you know that jerk didn’t call me? He didn’t call till WEDNESDAY! (Okay, ladies, you know what I was thinking.) Once he did call, we had a great conversation, and talked for over 3 hours…. the first of many long phone calls between Indy and Lafayette.
The rest of our dating life was unbelievable. Kyle was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. He was so attentive and romantic, but not in the mushy way. He was chivalrous, and just treated me so well. At the time, and still now, I couldn’t believe how wonderful he was.

Kyle was an incredible man. I’ve never known anyone like him. He absolutely could not tell a lie. He was honest, trustworthy, and loyal.
He was extremely strong. Kyle stood 6’2 with broad shoulders. He was tough as nails and stout as an ox.
He was tender with me. He was a generous lover. He considered my feelings before he opened his mouth. I know that whenever he made decisions for us, he always had my best interests at heart.
Kyle could fix anything. He was a bodyman by trade, but was working as a subcontractor when he passed. He was an experienced mechanic, electrician and talented woodcrafter.
He was so sensitive to my needs as his wife, and communicated freely with me about his needs as my husband.
Kyle was slow to anger, slow to criticize, and quick to praise.
He loved children and they adored him. I’ll have to tell you about his “little motorcycle buddy and boat fixin buddy” another time.

I could go on and on about the incredible man I was fortunate enough to call my husband. God blessed my life immensely through Kyle. As painful as this last year has been, I wouldn’t have missed loving him for the world.

I love you, Kyle. I always will.

See you soon…

Homesick

2005-10-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

The Mercy Me song Homesick came out RIGHT after our accident. I remember the first time I heard it. I was driving home from downtown on the interstate. The music started and then the first line.... You're in a better place I've heard a thousand times.... I knew at that moment this song would greatly effect my life. The tears began to flow and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I went out and bought the cd that week. I memorized the words faster than any song I've ever heard. I guess because it hit me so hard and I identified with it so well. I love that song so much that I can't even tell you what my favorite part is! But the bridge of the song really convicted me and has helped me find some direction through this fog... In Christ, there are no goodbyes, and in Christ there is no end, so I'll hold on to Jesus with all that I have to see you again, to see you again....
One of my dearest friends in the world, Niki, gave me the book written by Bart Millard that goes along with that song this summer. She had no idea how much I loved the song! I went to get my cell phone right then to play her my ringtone.... I close my eyes and I see your face.... Anyway, I was looking through the book and again I found feelings on my heart that needed to get into words....

homesick? wow....
is that the churning
i'm feeling right now?
the sluggish feeling
that keeps me still
that overcomes my strong will?
i feel like my soul is frozen
can't move or be moved
is this the life i've chosen?
i should be looking forward
charging on ahead
but here i stand in concrete shoes
thoughts racing through my head
homesick? i just don't know
is that the way to describe how
i'm pushing back against the flow?
God, you've always said my home's with you
now everything's been stripped away
i see you always knew
i want to talk to her
kiss his face again
so take me Father, take me
if not right now, when?

Poetry emotion....

2005-09-28T19:11:00.000-05:00

I've been told in recent years that I'm creative. I was never told that as a child. Not that my mother didn't praise me, I owe my creativity to her, but it was just not something said to me. In fact, hearing people I consider creative tell me of my so-called abilities, has actually been difficult for me. I've decided that although flattering, it's a lot of pressure. Pressure? To be called creative? Yep, pressure. You see, when when others take part in something you've created, and comment on it positively, it makes you feel self-conscious. Atleast that's how I feel. I'm not saying I don't appreciate the compliments, I do. I think sometimes I work so hard on whatever it is I'm doing just to receive compliments from certain people. So, it doesn't matter what was created, but rather who enjoys the creation.... ( Are you following me? I don't feel I'm making a whole lot of sense. Maybe not so creative in blogging tonight.)
Anyway, I have been recognized by people I love and respect for my creativity in certain areas including my cooking (Kyle's favorite), my cake decorating skills (wedding cakes in particular), my artistic abilities (my fellow educators borrow my talents regularly), and decorative arts (painting, cards, soon to be scrapbooking). But tonight, I'm going to open myself up to possible criticism and compliment. I'm sharing with you a side of me that I've only shared with 2 people ~ Kyle and my friend Yolanda, a very talented poet.
I've always enjoyed poetry. Sometimes in life your feelings are so strong that a poem is the only release. There have been 2 times in my life when the words flowed everyday for days on end, and I had to get them out in order to feel that release. The first time is when I was engaged to Kyle. I wrote lots of gooey love poems about him and how I felt and how awesome God was to bring him into my life. I hope to share some of those with you some day. But tonight, I'll share one or two from the other time period. About six months after the accident it began it flow again. The need to write still flows, though this bloggin thing has helped a lot.
So here it goes, Words...

Sometimes I can't put it into words,
Words are just words.
They name, but can't feel the agony I feel.
I could write a thousand words,
but not one could describe.
Love is such a pitiful 4-letter word
for the feeling I have for you still.
Anguish doesn't begin to tell the pain
I feel in the pit of my soul.
Gone doesn't tell the extent
of how far away you are
or that you're NEVER coming back.
I just can't put my heartache
into words.....

How am I doing?

A friend called the other day
to see how I've been.
I told her "I'm okay,"
but you know, lyin's a sin.
I'm hiding my pain from the ones
who just can't understand.
And laughing as they joke with me
about finding another man.
My life with you as it was,
still so fresh in my mind.
Yet somedays it seems that years have passed
since I held your hand in mine.
'It never gets better, just different,'
a friend of mine has said.
But how can I convince my heart,
if I can't get it through my head?

Still Mrs.....

2005-09-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was picture day at school. All the little girls dressed up in their frills and curls, boys in their new polos, and make up on the teachers. I marched my little ones into the room where they were taking the pictures and began to check them out to make sure none of them had restyled their hair, or the girls hadn’t gone crazy with the lip gloss, when the photographer asked me my name. He followed with “Miss, Ms., or Mrs.?” I didn’t know how to answer him. I panicked and turned around to ask Brandi, our office manager, “I’m still Mrs., right?” “Yes,” she said and gave me a look like she was surprised I questioned.
That was the start of a very difficult day for me. In that moment in time, I wasn’t sure who I was… what is my identity now? Who am I as a person?
I blogged earlier about that widow word, and I am starting to identify with that, but I still struggle with who I am now. Am I single or ‘single again’ or am I still considered married? When people look at me, do they still see my ring on my left hand and think I’m married, or do they know the truth? For that matter what is the truth? For the last 11 months I’ve said I still feel married, but do I still? I’m not really sure….. When my friends talk about their husbands, I usually begin to throw in my comments about how Kyle is, what he does……but shouldn’t it be how he was, what he did? Confusion has surrounded me since October 9, and I’m not sure it’s getting better….in fact I think it’s getting worse the closer I get back around to the date.
When am I no longer a ‘married woman’? When do I take off my ring and start wearing it on my right hand? When do I get to fall asleep without a tear in my eye? When do I get to sleep through the night and not wake up in a panic because he’s not there? When do I get back to normal? What is normal?
I know that you can’t answer these questions….perhaps there’s only one who can. But I need to see a light at the end of this tunnel before my train runs out of steam.

Music has been my outlet the last year. There’s a song on Loretta Lynn’s album Van Leer Rose called “Miss Being Mrs.” (there’s my country roots comin’ out). It speaks my heart's pain.

I lie here all alone,
In my bed of memories.
I’m dreamin’ of your sweet kiss,
Oh, how you loved on me.

I can almost feel you with me,
Here in this blue moonlight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight.

Like so many other hearts,
Mine wanted to be free,
I’ve been put here every day,
Since you’ve been away from me.

My reflection in the mirror,
It’s such a hurtful sight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight.

And how I loved them loving arms,
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs., tonight

Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight
And how I loved them loving arms,
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs., tonight
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight

Humility calls

2005-09-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

First let me apologize for not blogging for a bit, but life around here's been crazy. I've spent the last few evenings in the hospital with Pam. She's doing better though, and finally went home today. For those of you that don't know, Pam is my adopted mom. She took Kyle and I both in as family and refers to us as her two oldest. So along with that, I now have another brother, sister, dad and extended family. Speaking of this family, I spent the weekend with them last weekend. Usually when I spend the weekend with them we're camping, but this time we went to southern Indiana for a retreat weekend with their church. This retreat was held at a Baptist camp..... an oldschool camp. (Let me take this opportunity to remind those of you who know me, how I was raised. A certain someone would tell me I was going straight to hell for going to a Baptist camp. Fortunately, I don't listen to him anymore, but my God was glad I was there.)
I guess I've been spoiled by going to college campuses for camps the past several years. You know, dorm rooms with private baths and air conditioning..... Well, this camp had cinder block cabins with attic fans, not a.c., and you had to walk to the bath house. Now, I need you to understand that I'm not high maintenance, but I am a little spoiled when it comes to that sort of thing. So with my spoiledness firmly in hand, I marched into the cabin and began to complain about everything. I wasn't being whiny, but sarcastically rude. God decided if I was going to get anything out of the weekend, he needed to knock me off my high horse. So, here we go..... after claming my bunk (the bottom of course) I set my full large iced Coke on the top bunk, and decide to sit on my bed to get things unpacked. Well, as I was talking to Pam I threw my pillow up top to get it out of the way..... go ahead.... you can imagine what happened next.... I was drenched in ice cold coke. Oh, yeah, it was hot out, so I'd just changed into 1 of only 2 pair of shorts I brought that were now also drenched. So, after cleaning up the mess, I decided to take a shower before all the bugs in a 3 mile radius were attracted to my new found sweetness. I walked to the shower house with my showerbag and clean, dry clothes in outstretched hands, and began to get ready. Just before I stepped in, I reached into my bag for the shampoo.... none to be found. No conditioner either! I had to get back into my sticky clothes to go borrow some. While I was in the shower I realized this was God's way of saying "Angi, get over yourself!"
Needless to say, the rest of the weekend went better. There were several times that I was moved to tears, and I know that the Holy Spirit was there. It's funny to me how the things that moved me most were the same ones that would've made me uncomfortable or offended me a few years ago. I guess what I'm saying is I've stretched and grown. Isn't God amazing? He put me in my place and opened my heart at the same time. amazing.....

Momma

2005-09-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today, I got the news I knew was coming, but deeply dreaded... My mom had passed away. So many times after tragedy strikes, you feel as though it happened just yesterday, and yet a lifetime ago. I guess that's how I feel about losing Momma.
Momma was my best friend (until I married Kyle). We talked about everything, and understood each other in ways I can't describe to you now. Within a few seconds of calling, we could tell the mood of each other, if something was wrong, or if everything was right. There was a deepness to our relationship that I miss. I'm not saying we had the perfect mother/daughter relationship - far from it. But we knew if ever there was a need, the other one would be there.
My mom was unforgettable. When I was about three years old, my first memory was going on vacation to the Smoky Mountains of east Tennessee. I remember clearly riding the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and turning around to see Momma in the lift behind me. On that trip, we also went into Cherokee, NC, and I had my picture taken with an Indian chief. I tell you that story to tell you this one. At 13, we returned to the mountains, and mom wanted to find that same chief to have my picture with 10 years later. Well, he was no longer in the same place, and was not going by the same name, so we thought he wasn't around anymore. On our way out of town Mom yelled for us to pull over. She spotted him! As we walked up, HE recognized her!
He asked her if she was the lady with the little girl several years ago. Do you realize how many pictures that man had posed for??? Like I said, unforgettable.
My mom was compassionate. I could tell you story after story of how she blessed peoples lives. Anytime someone she knew was in need, she'd jump at the chance to help.
My mom was an incredible cook. She could go look in the fridge, grab a few things and make an incredible meal out of what seemed like nothing. She did things the old-fashioned way because she believed that it was better for her family. She instilled in me the love of decorating cakes. I couldn't have had my wedding cake like I wanted it without her.
My mom was patient. She had a rough go of it most of her life. She, like so many women of her generation, was not appreciated by the men in her life (until my brother and husband came along). I watched her stick it out even though I know there were days she wanted to leave.
My mom was a Christian. She did what she knew was right, whether or not it was painful for her. She heard the condemning words of another, but listened to the heart of God.
My mom was an inspiration to me then and continues to be now. I hope that I can be the kind of woman she was. I hope that when I'm gone, people will speak of me like they speak of her. I know that I will see her someday and tell her once again, "I love you, Momma."

Widow???

2005-09-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

So I was playing around on my blog this morning trying to figure out a few things like how to customize my counter, why the new links I tried to install aren't showing up, when I read the title and description of my blog.
Good Grief is the title of a novel I'm reading about a young woman who is trying to deal with living after her husband passes from cancer. (That's right, I stole the title... Oh, well... you'll get over it.) Then I read the description of my blog, that I wrote myself, and yet was shocked by...... a young Christian WIDOW??? The word pierced through me. I don't feel like a widow! Widows are little old ladies you see at church sitting in the same pew every Sunday, missing their husbands ~ the father of their adult children and grandfather of their 9 grandkids, the man they were married to for over forty years... Not a 28 year old with so much of her life still ahead of her!
I still remember the first time that word slapped me in the face. I was sitting in a doctor's office 2 weeks after the accident waiting for what seemed like hours and filling out the "War and Peace" version of the patient info, when I came to the all important check off of marital status. ~~~ I recall the first time that I was able to check MARRIED!!! I wanted to stand up and shout "Hey, everybody! Look at me! I get to check married on this form. Me! The one that was told she'd never find anyone to love her just the way she is. Me! I'm joyously married to the man of my dreams! NaNaNuNaNa!" (Insert smartypants tongue stick out here) ~~~ This time I did not want to stand up and shout. This time I wanted to shrivel into my seat ~ find a hole and crawl into it. I started to tear up. I realized for the first time that from now on, everytime I filled out a medical form, job application, or church attendance card I had to admit to the vulnerability of being a widow, a single again.
I hate that word! Widow. What kind of word is that anyway? When I was younger I'd here that word and think of venemous spiders and mean little old blue hairs and people that had nothing to do with me. But the last few years I've been surrounded by it. All three of my dad's sisters are widows, both of my grandmothers, my dad is a widower, and now in my twenties I'm staring it in the face. I hate that word, and yet feel a need to embrace it. How do you embrace something so painful?
I struggle with my new found status. Anyone close to me knows the battles I'm going through right now, but I'm determined. God didn't spare me from the accident for me to spend the rest of my life like I died that day. I'll be honest. Sometimes I feel like my heart died that day and there have been days I wish I had, but I must keep on living -- not just existing but living. How do I do that? How?

Thanks for sticking with me through this long post.

I'll fly away

2005-09-02T10:37:00.000-05:00

So my friend Niki and I were on the phone yesterday and we decided to go ahead and book flights for ourslelves. She is coming to Indy to help me through the first anniversary of losing Kyle, (which I cannot put into words how much that means to me) and I'll be flying out to Denver to spend Christmas and New Years with them again this year. I'm really excited about going out there. I've always wanted to go back to Colorado, and I get the added bonus of spending two weeks with some of my favorite people in the world!
The only problem I forsee is a fear of being hurled through the air at a thousand miles an hour 100 miles above the earth's surface. Of course I'm speaking of the actual experience of flying. I think the fear is my own fault.... the first time I flew was from Little Rock, AR to Canberra, Australia. Spending 23 hours getting on and off of air planes was not the way to initiate a newbie into the love of aviation.
But it's not just the flying I don't like... I don't like the confusion of airports. I'm a bit of a worrier, so you can imagine how the thought of going through security checkpoints and luggage claim and boarding and finding the correct gate and terminal and... and... and.... And you know in the name of not profiling they'll pick out my cute little blonde headed, blue eyed self ~ okay big blonde headed, blue eyed self as a target for a more personal search technique. AAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!
So, I've got 4 months to stress. Pray for my peace of mind, or that I'll atleast keep a piece of my mind through the experience.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me with the resources to fly out to CO, and for the reasons I'm going. Thank you for Niki and Benny and their kids I can't wait to see. Bless them. God, please give me a calmness about the journey to which I look forward.

Peer Pressure

2005-08-30T16:10:00.000-05:00

Well, I've finally done it. I've gone and started a blog. What was I thinking?! Commitment is not necessarily my forte. But the peer pressure has become unbearable....Either that or I just feel the need to unload my opinions, experiences and struggles like so many others before me. So many of my friends now blog that I was starting to feel left out, so after I purchased my new laptop this weekend, I decided to take another techy plunge. Hopeful neither the people who read this, nor I will rue the day I started this thing.
My pledge to my adoring public :
(all 2 of you)
When you come to read my blog, I will not be negative, but I may not always be upbeat. I may not always agree with you, but I will always respect your opinion. I may not give you all the details, but I won't hide my feelings. I may be sarcastic and smart, but I promise to always be honest.